A new week. Yesterday afternoon, it was time, after more than a year, to do physical work again. I'd stopped because I hurt myself on the table saw because I was negligent--and that put a fear into me that I felt from the first, feel now, but am now tired of. It's time to get back to work, to build again, to stare the monster in the eyes and get past this.

Odd and real as steel when fear lodges inside you.  At first, the shock of the moment; then the long healing of the body; every day, many times a day, looking at what's changed--in my case, two misshaped fingers, so I cannot, can never, forget what I did, what happened, what can happen. It's the last part, the what-can-happen, where the fear finally resides: awake, alert, it never abates. Never. But finally, after more than a year, it was time. The urge to build was as big as my fear, as potent--a draw, then, a hand shake, a start. But not real until the hammer strikes, until--as I was--down on my knees doing the work.

So, I've started. I don't need to be reminded of what I did: the bent tip of the middle finger where I clipped the tendon, its half and misshaped nail; the weird nerve pain in my thumb, whose top-right side is angled instead of round--these are permanent reminders. What I did I don't have to remember. All I have to do is look.  It's my fear it's now time to exorcise, to overcome, to make peace with.
 


Comments

03/11/2013 9:21am

"A man must find his occasions in himself, it is true." Walden, "Sounds"

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Rilke: Sonnets to Orpheus, Part Two, XXIX

Quiet friend who has come so far,
feel how your breathing makes more space around you.
Let this darkness be a bell tower
and you the bell. As you ring,

what batters you becomes your strength.

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Michele Buchholz
03/11/2013 5:59pm

Well... what are you building???? I love the photographs. Are these taken with your new camera?

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